I am Soo very Pissed off!

I am goin to be rambling and screaming.. There's your disclaimer I am going to be offensive and hateful.. I am mad, hurt, scared, sad.. I have been a Christian my whole life.. I know the promises so don't go writing me about the Kingdom and the Glory of heaven.... I get it Even in my anger, My mind goes to his power and authority Weird As I look down @ my computer desk A book catches my eye.. My daughter bought me this book years ago... I have no idea why it has been floating around the last couple days.. I have picked it up and moved it a million times in two days thinking where on earth has this been and why is it now not put away.... I picked it up a few minutes ago and flipped to this page..... A Mother's Faith By Helen Steiner Rice, It is a mother's faith In our Father above That fills the home with happiness And the heart with truth and love! My friend Beth.. I met her years ago... She has a great story on moving to Alaska with her family... Her kids weren't allowed over to my house very often.. I was the rebel at church.. @ the time I was a single hippy mum, working two jobs homeschooling my hippy kids and opening my home to every homeless teenager in the woods! No a prime place for, Good Southern Christian kids to hang out... Oh but how they wanted to! Sometimes I would get Beth in a weak moment after church and she would give in and Cortney Would get to come over and listen to loud CCR and Stones while I cooked up a feast of Weird food, she would call it! Far from the Southern food she was used to.... It was on one of those rare occasion's that she picked up my favorite saying, Crap on a Cracker! Man, did I pay for that one... I tried to no avail, to explain that It was much better then saying, Shit on a shingle Yeah... no... didn't work... In my attempt to colonize my band of wild monkey's I even hired Beth as my daughters Music Teacher.. She was a very talented musician.. My daughter as willing as she was just couldn't get the piano.. (She now is an amazing Drummer tho! ROCK ON!!!!) Beth got really sick, this was years ago now... WE prayed and believed for healing.. All these years we Believed that the Lord would heal her and that she would be this amazing cancer survivor.. And she was, God healed her more then once.. And as soon as she was healed.. Another tougher, stronger cancer would invade her body.... Again we would fall to our feet resting at her feet and call out to God for healing... Treatments, Dr.'s, Mayo Clinic, Cancers Centers... She hung in there knowing that God was bigger then her Cancer.. She lead worship almost to the very end... Frail, but determined.. Amazing and full of Grace... Unlike me, I started to hide from Beth.. She hosted Ladies Night @ her home.. I stopped going... I couldn't watch as she started to weaken.. I could see her husband and kids hanging on for yet one more healing... She did so much this time around.. She stopped hr cancer treatment all together and just tried to manage the pain... She wrote and published a book.. She journal ed daily... She breathed and lived life around her always.. Grateful and beautiful, humble and peaceful.... She couldn't take communion, because she couldn't swallow... She worshipped w/ her last breath... She met her King worshipping... Do you hear me? Can you hear me God... Are you listening... Her husband, her children at her side.. She closed her eyes and worshipped in YOUR presents... You could have breathed into her healing, YOU alone held the Power.... You healed over and over then in the end let her DIE... I get that people die, they die everyday... They are also healed everyday... Who gets to live and who gets to die? I know I know... She will be a testimony, Someone will be saved by her story.... She left a legacy for her children.. Her faith was mighty.... And that I guess is why she suffered for so long in pain and heartache so she could help someone else eventually.. WHATEVER! I would like to scream, BULLSHIT but that wouldn't be very Christian would it?